有時真的是很難區分，讓人迷惑。也許到頭來是一場誤會，也許是失之交臂。

    Lovelies:

    I'm going to pick right up where I left off on Friday, when I was telling you about my illicit affair with Arlo. （Well, illicit only in the sense that I was scared to mention it HERE, out of fear blogging about it might interrupt the natural flow of things, the way it seemed to with Sir Hugo.）

    As you might recall, I was saying that, for whatever reason, I felt romantically attracted to Arlo--I wanted to tell him about my day and hear about his; I was delighted by his affection; it was nice to hold hands, etc. And yet, I just kept hesitating when it came to the sexual stuff. Which started to, understandably, seem a bit weird to him, understandably. On the fourth night that I left his apartment without staying over, he said, "Someday, you're going we're actually going to have to have a slumber party, you know."

    * * *

    Last Thursday was to be our fifth hang-out session. I was looking forward to it … but also feeling a bit anxious, thinking Arlo would be （perhaps justifiably） completely fed up with me if we didn't spend the night together. I was thinking that maybe he could sleep over without us actually having sex. I was thinking maybe I should stop being so uptight about the whole thing and just BONE the dude. Because frankly, at this point in my life, I do feel like it's a bit strange NOT to have sex by the third date if you're feeling into someone--unless there are some kind of extenuating circumstances. （What do you guys think?）

    Anyway, Arlo and I got on the horn Thursday afternoon … We shot the breeze for a few minutes, and then the conversation turned to the fact that he was thinking of moving out to L.A. for the winter. （He's a freelancer, so he can work anywhere.） "Being here in New York when it's cold always depresses me," he said.

    Hmm: Was he trying to tell me something? Maybe. So, I said, "You mentioned that you were thinking of doing that when I first met you." I was reminding myself of that fact, by pronouncing it, as much as I was doing anything else.

    "Yeah, true. Although if there were anything to keep me here, I might stay."

    OHHHH-kay.

    "And," he continued, "I suppose leaving for six months isn't such a good thing for my personal life."

    "Right. In fact, maybe it means we shouldn't hang out tonight?"

    One thing led to another, and I found myself asking him what he thought the problem was, between us.

    "I don't know," he answered. "It doesn't make any sense. You're definitely the coolest person I've ever dated."

    And I will say--for the record, for what it's worth, because I'm an insecure ninny--that he'd reported to me a week or two before that a friend of his had pronounced me the hottest chick Arlo had ever dated.

    Arlo continued: "I guess it's a lack of chemistry--but I don't even know if that's right. Because I feel like we have that, too. I guess it's just … I kept waiting for something to click into place, and it never did. And since I'm subletting, I've got to decide in a couple weeks if I'm going to move to L.A. or not … so … ."

    So … that was that. I started to cry, and he asked me to tell him what I was feeling, and I said, "I don't know. It's just so WEIRD."

    "It's depressing," he agreed.

    And the thing that was so depressing--just to be specific--is THE ENORMOUS DISTANCE BETWEEN SOMEONE WHO IS ALMOST-RIGHT （like Arlo） AND SOMEONE WHO IS JUST RIGHT. Some days, it seems like an insurmountable difference.

    What's so depressing is the feeling of connecting so much with a person （like Arlo） … and yet not connecting all the way.

    What's so depressing is that he'd said at one point he wanted to know everything about me, and there's something really sad about the fact that that doesn't really seem to be true any more, certainly not in the same way. （Not like I'm so mysterious or anything, but you know.）

    What's so depressing is that every time something doesn't work out, it often seems like a step farther away from finding someone, instead of a step closer.

    Anyway, sorry to be gloomy. I'll perk up.

    And regardless of what had passed between us, Arlo said he'd like to hang out over the weekend. I had other stuff going on, so I declined, but I think we'll hang out again soon. Because, really, there's no good reason not to spend time with him. And maybe what we were really meant to be, anyway, is friends.

    What do you guys think?

    Sigh.

    親愛的朋友們：

    我將接著周五那天中斷的故事講下去，那時候我正在向你們講述我和奧爾羅的不正當關系。哦，所謂的不正當只是在感覺方面，我很怕在這里提起，擔心把這個寫進博客里會讓事情無法自然發展，就像和雨果先生那樣。

    我想你們還記得，我曾經說過，不知道為什么奧爾羅對我有種吸引力，我想告訴他自己每天的經歷，也想聽到他每天的經歷，他對我的愛讓我很開心，和他牽著手感覺也很好等等。但是我一直猶豫我們之間是不是應該有性這么回事。這似乎讓他感到很怪異，這可以理解。在我第四次離開他的公寓而沒有留下來過夜時，他說："你知道，總有一天你會和我來開一場實際上我們肯定會有的睡衣舞會。"

    * * * * * *

    上周四使我們第五次在一起，我有些期待，但也有些緊張，覺得如果我們這次還不一在一起過夜，奧爾羅可能真就受夠我了，可能這也無可非議。我想，或許我們不用真的做愛他就能去睡覺。我想也許我不用對這件事這么緊張，只要應了這家伙就行了。因為，坦率的講，在這件事上，如果對一個人有感覺，而經過三次約會還沒有上床的話確實有點奇怪，除非是有什么情有可原的原因。你們有什么看法，我的朋友們？

    無論如何，奧爾羅和我周四下午通了電話，我們閑聊了一會兒，然后話題轉到他想搬到洛杉磯過冬天這件事上。他是一名自由職業者，所以在哪里工作都一樣。他說："紐約的冬天很冷，這總是讓我感到沮喪。"

    恩，他是想告訴我什么嗎？也許。所以，我說："我第一次見到你時你就說過你正在考慮這件事情。"我把話說出來是要提醒自己這和我做的其他事情一樣。

    "是啊，我確實說過。但是如果這里有什么東西能夠讓我留下，我會留下的。"

    好吧。

    他繼續說："還有，我想離開六個月對我的個人生活來說也不是什么好事。"

    "是的。實際上，也許這意味著我們今晚不該一起出去？"

    雪上加霜的是，我發現自己正在問他他覺得我們之間存在什么問題。

    "我不知道。"他回答說，"這沒什么意義。你絕對是我約會過的最酷的人。"

    為準確起見，我要說--管他呢，因為我是個沒有安全感的傻子--一兩個星期前奧爾羅就告訴我他的一個朋友說我是他約會過的最辣的美女。

    奧爾羅繼續說："我想可能是缺少某種化學反應吧，但我不知道是不是真是這樣。因為我覺得我們之間有反應。我想這只是……我只是在等待事情水到渠成，但卻沒能等到。自從我subletting,我就不得不在未來幾周內作出決定，看我要不要搬到洛杉磯去……所以……"

    所以，事情就是這樣。我開始哭起來，他讓我告訴他我的感覺，我說："我不知道，這實在太不可思議了。"

    "這真令人沮喪，"他回答說。

    是的，讓人沮喪的是和一個幾乎是最好人選（比如奧爾羅）或者就是最好人選的人之間存在很大的距離，而且有時候，這種距離似乎不可逾越。

    讓人沮喪的是和一個相處的感覺非常好（比如我對奧爾羅）但卻不能一直如此。

    讓人沮喪的他曾經一度說他想了解我的一切，但讓人傷心地是事情遠不是這樣。（不喜歡我這樣神秘或者說什么其他的，但你知道。Not like I'm so mysterious or anything, but you know.）

    讓人沮喪的是一旦有什么事情不能解決，你們之間就似乎遠了一步，而不是近了一步。

    不管怎樣，很抱歉這樣沮喪。我會振作起來。奧爾羅說，不管我們之間有什么過去，他還是希望這個周末能和我一起出去。我有其他事要做，所以我拒絕了，但我想我們很快就會再次一起出去。因為，真的，沒什么理由好來拒絕和他在一起。而且，不管怎樣，也許我們實際上本來就該做朋友。

    你們覺得呢？

    唉。