How To Be Happy
By Matt Farr

 

At the airport bookstore, there are only about a dozen freestanding shelves of books. It's Darwinian selection at its most brutal: only the most popular authors, the newest novels, and the most recognizable classics survive. You won't find the lesser known works of Oscar Wilde or Voltaire or even Hemingway — there isn't space for them. Jane Austen makes only the briefest appearance, and Edgar Allen Poe shows his face only at Halloween. There are no collections of poetry beyond Dr. Seuss.

 

There is, however, a whole rack of self help books.

 

Americans are obsessed with making ourselves better. Smarter. Thinner. You can buy books to improve your vocabulary. You can devour a stack of books that will teach you to work more efficiently, more ruthlessly, and claw your way to the top — and then you can read books on how to stop and smell the roses and enjoy your life more fully. There are even books that will teach you how to organize your closets.

 

All of these things dance around the essential truth: we want to be happy. We want to be loved. We want to find meaning in our lives and feel that our contributions make a difference.

 

This, then, is the Rusty Brain Guide: How To Be Happy.

 

Eat more cookies. Abstaining from a single cookie isn't going to make you look svelte and toned. Go on, eat some cookies. I recommend the double chocolate ones with chocolate chips inside.

 

Sing. In your car. In elevators. At the mall, especially at Crate & Barrel and Pottery Barn. In hospital corridors. Before important client meetings. When people give you that patronizing look, wink at 'em.

 

Make Popsicles.

 

Stay home on the weekend and disconnect your phone.

 

Bring a plastic straw to a fancy restaurant. Make loud gurgling sounds when you get to the bottom as you attempt to drink every last molecule of diet Coke.

 

Order the stuff on the menu that you've never heard of — like Gkaeng Cheud Bplah Meuk Yad Sai (Stuffed Squid Soup with Napa Cabbage or Squash).

 

Talk to strangers.

 

Collect something weird that isn't expensive but is relatively hard-to-find.

 

Wear odd hats in public places.

 

Amass a jar of coins. Bury them in your back yard. Draw a treasure map and give it to a friend.

 

Walk to the park near your house. Do some somersaults. When was the last time you did a somersault, anyway?

 

Eat pickles out of the jar.

 

Build a Web site and write your own Rusty Brain column (Matt only).

 

Spend a day by yourself. Leave your cell phone at home. Wander the streets, muttering to yourself and occasionally disagreeing with what you've just muttered.

 

Buy a puppy. Name it Charo.

 

Get your teeth capped. Move to Hollywood. Become a star. (Isn't that what you've been dreaming about anyway?)

 

Wear thong panties under your habit (nuns only).

 

Throw a surprise birthday party for a friend. Invite lots of people. Make sure that your friend's actual birthday is nowhere near the date of the party.

 

Belch in public. Then sigh contently.

 

Suntan naked on a public beach. Adopt a European accent for the day to explain your complete lack of modesty.

 

Quit your worthless job and dedicate your life to the study of the Moroccan flute.

 

Fly a kite.

 

Stop wasting your life with the Moroccan flute and get a real job.

 

Volunteer at your library, or church, or your local soup kitchen, or Habitat for Humanity. Wear clothes so ratty that you are often mistaken for one of the "needy."

 

Use the word "Jonesing" as often as possible. As in, "Man, I'm Jonesin' for some homemade Popsicles." Studies have shown this will make you happy.

 

Join a bowling league. Buy a large red bowling ball. Name it "Gorbachev."

 

Drive to the nearest national forest. Hike a mile with a backpack full of cold fried chicken and biscuits. Find a clearing where you will not meet a single human and have a picnic.
Stare at the clouds for a full afternoon and dream.

 

Think about the things you love to do. Now go do those things more often.

 

Meet someone, fall in love, live happily ever after.

 

在機場書店，只有大約一打是專門的書架。這也應歸咎于達爾文那野蠻的進化論：只有最流行的作家，最新的小說以及那些被公認的經典作品才得以幸存。你不可能在這里找到王爾德、伏爾泰乃至海明威這些名氣稍差一點的作家的作品--因為這里已經沒有足夠的空間來擺放它們了。簡·奧斯丁的作品也只是那種最普通的平裝本，至于埃德加·艾倫·坡的則只會在萬圣節前夕才會被放上書架。這里更不會有休斯博士的詩集。

 

但是，這里卻有整整一架子"＊＊自助"之類的書。

 

人們總為那些諸如怎樣怎樣讓自己更具魅力、更聰明、更苗條之類的書著迷。你可以買本書來提高自己的單詞量，也可以一目十行地啃下一大堆教你如何如何提高工作效率、更殘酷、更快地往上爬之類的書，也可以看那些教你如何停下來賞聞路邊玫瑰、怎樣更好地享受人生之類的書，甚至還有書教你如何安排自己的洗手間。

 

所有這些都圍繞著這樣一個基本的主題：我們都希望快樂，我們都希望被愛、希望發現生活的真諦，還希望體驗到因自我奉獻而對周圍帶來的改變。

 

這就是了。所以我們這個"方腦袋專欄"，就是要告訴你快樂的秘訣。

 

●多吃幾塊餅干。少吃一塊餅干并不會讓你看起來更苗條或者曲線更優美。所以，繼續放心地吃餅干吧，我推薦那種雙面巧克力，中間還有巧克力餡兒的那種。
●無論是在汽車里、電梯間、超市、特別在Crate & Barrel and Pottery Barn這樣的商店里，都要哼哼歌。在醫院的走廊上，在會見重要客戶的會議上，也要哼歌。當人們注目你的時候，朝他們眨眨眼睛。
●自己做冰棍。
●周末呆在家里，并拔掉電話插座。
●帶上一根塑料吸管，去一家有特色的餐館吃飯。在你喝完杯中的最后一滴可樂之前，一定要發出咕嚕咕嚕的聲音。
●只點菜單上你從來沒聽說過的東西--類似名叫Gkaeng Cheud Bplah Meuk Yad Sai (魷魚湯加納帕甘藍或南瓜) 之類的。
●去跟陌生人交談。
●收集那些雖不算貴重，但是卻很難找到的東西。
●在公共場合出現的時候戴一頂很古怪的帽子。
●存一大罐硬幣并埋在你家后面的院子里。然后畫一張藏寶圖，交給你的一個朋友。 （讓他找去吧！）
●去你家附近的公園散步。在公園里翻幾個筋斗。再想想，你最后一次翻跟斗是什么時候了的事情了？
●直接吃從罐子里取出的淹菜。
●自己建立一個網站，寫自己的"方腦袋專欄" （僅適用于馬特） 。
●獨自在家過一天。把手機丟在家里。到街上去閑逛，自己嘰哩咕嚕一番，偶爾也反駁自己一番。
●買條小狗。給他取名為沙羅。
●戴上潔白的牙套，然后搬到好萊塢去住。然后成為明星。（這不是你一直所夢想的嗎？）
●在法衣下穿的是系皮帶的襯褲 (僅適用于修女 ) 。
●給朋友舉辦一個很突然的生日派對，邀請很多人參加。但實際上，舉行派對這天跟你朋友生日還差好幾天呢。
●當眾打嗝。然后心滿意足地長舒一口氣。
●在沙灘上裸體曬太陽。在這一天要用歐洲腔來解釋為什么這么不端莊的原因。
●中止你手上毫無意義的工作，然后集中全力去學摩洛哥長笛。
●去放放風箏。
●不要再把生命浪費在學摩洛哥長笛上，去找一份實在的工作。
●在圖書館、教堂、本地的湯館或是居住區去充當"義工"。衣服一定要穿得破爛到你經常會被認為是"貧困一族"的程度。
●加入某一個保齡球聯盟。買一個大紅色的保齡球，取名為"戈爾巴契夫。"
●開車到最近的國家森林公園去。背一大包油煎雞塊和餅干步行一英里。然后找個干凈的，不會碰上其它單身人士的地方搞一次野餐。
●用整個下午的時間盯著天上的云發呆、做白日夢。
●考慮考慮自己喜歡做的事兒。現在可以多去做做。
●遇見某人, 墮入情網, 然后幸福地生活。