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For Chinese, dinner is an important way to get a sense of what a potential business partner is like outside the office and to build trust. A dinner shows people how important and valued they are, and that means a good restaurant with nice décor and great service -- meaning several servers hovering over the table at all times.
Americans often call such long affairs banquets, but to Chinese they're just what's expected. And they take time: A multi-course dinner can last three hours, and may be followed by karaoke or some other entertainment.
In the U.S. these meetings are much shorter and simpler, and dinner generally isn't involved -- it's more common to have meetings over breakfast, lunch or coffee.
Breakfast meetings are rare in China. It's not polite to ask Chinese to meet for breakfast.
Those long dinners are one reason that Chinese don't conduct business over breakfast -- between banquets and entertainment, many of them habitually stay up too late for early-morning meetings. It's not unusual for a businessman to dine out a few evenings a week, as well as on some weekends. The head of a large Chinese bank told me he has dinner at home only a handful of times a year.
That would be unthinkable for many Americans, who see dinner as family time. Mr. O'Brien says he avoids business dinners in the U.S. at all costs, and starts his days early so he can go home at a reasonable hour to see his two young children and help his wife cook dinner.
Switching to Chinese ways can be puzzling for Americans. When business consultant Joan Mancuso was working for a U.S.-based multinational company, some executives asked her why the Asian sales team's entertainment bills were much higher than the American team's. Ms. Mancuso, whose parents came from China and who's been conducting business there since 1991, had to explain the importance of business meals to Chinese.
While dinners are considered the best way to entertain and build trust, business lunches are common, too. But they're far more than just gathering over salad and sandwiches -- it's not unusual for business lunches to include a couple of cold dishes, four to five hot dishes and sometimes alcohol, meaning they often last more than two hours.
Does it make sense to spend all this time and money on meals? It doesn't really matter -- it's what's expected of you when you do business in China. There, a successful business career requires a lot of face-to-face social interactions, and families have to expect a businessperson to stay out late frequently.
That would be intolerable to many in the U.S., but in China it's not as big a problem. Unlike in the U.S., where a live-in nanny is a luxury for most people, it's common for a middle-class Chinese family to have one or more live-in nannies to help with childcare and housework. Some people ask their parents to live with them once they have children.
But that's not to say wives don't resent the situation. (I don't know enough Chinese businesswomen to understand what happens in their homes). My female friends sometimes complain that their husbands dine out late too often -- though it's also true that many of them expect their husbands to do so. There's a Chinese saying that husbands who go home early every day are losers, yet in Chinese soap operas, one of the first things an angry wife says to her businessman husband is always "You're never home."
It also means busy parents have little time to spend with their children. A friend of mine's brother and sister-in-law have to dine out a lot with clients, and so are rarely home for dinner with their only son. They hire tutors to check his homework, have a nanny, and one of the child's grandfathers lives with them. My friend, who's been living in the U.S. for more than a decade and is a mom herself, was shocked how little time her brother and sister-in-law get to spend with their son. But given the evening demands of business life in China, she knows, there's not a lot they can do about it.
While Americans prefer to dine with their own families, sometimes the need for face time takes first priority. When I was covering telecommunications for the Journal, I'd go to industry trade shows and conferences, which were always crammed with meetings. Some days I went to two breakfasts, two lunches, many coffees, at least one dinner, a couple of meetings for drinks, and a few parties. And many people had much busier schedules than me. It was all about face-to-face meetings, and there wasn't time to sleep. Of course, after so much coffee during the day, it was impossible to sleep anyway.
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紐約的一位中國朋友剛開始工作不久便約一位基金經理見面吃晚飯。約了幾次終于成功，但一吃完飯，基金經理就迫不及待地給丈夫打電話：“我這邊完事了。很快到家。”搞得朋友內疚不已。
朋友犯了一個忌諱：在美國，至少在紐約，一般情況下，你不約一對一的工作晚餐，更不用提是第一次見面。這和中國簡直有天壤之別。中國的商務會面，尤其是第一次，多是在晚餐桌上進行的。當我們輕描淡寫地說“什么時候一起吃個飯”時，大家都心知肚明多是指持續兩三個小時的晚飯。但美國人客氣地說“什么時候大家聚一下”時，多是指一起喝個咖啡，下班后喝一杯酒，吃個一小時左右的早餐或午餐。
在中國約人吃商務早餐會被認為不禮貌甚至不給面子，因為很少有中國人愿意一大早起來做這件事。然而在紐約，早晨七八點鐘趕到一個地方和某大公司高管吃早餐是再正常不過的事了。大家隨便點些東西，極為簡短地寒喧后便直奔主題，談完事起身就走也無任何不妥。甚至可以在就座前告訴對方自己只有半小時或一小時時間。你做出努力來見面本身就是有誠意的表現，剩下有什么需要談的可以通過電話或安排其他方式溝通。
我寫過實力午餐，也就是有權有勢的人每天到固定的幾家高級餐廳吃中飯，主要是為了和他們一個重量級的人談工作和拉關系。其實無論有無權勢，午餐是這里最盛行的商務餐形式。如果你到金融機構聚集的華爾街和曼哈頓中城看一下就知道，寫字樓里和周圍的餐館都是做午餐生意的。你可以通過午餐和同事交換公司里的小道消息，和上司談工作計劃，和客戶談生意。餐館菜做得好壞不是最重要的，反正大家多是點一盤沙拉或一個三明治，談得投機可以喝咖啡。即便是吃中餐，也多是自己叫自己的，不會叫很多道菜吃兩三個小時。
晚餐是最微妙的。我的經驗是美國人很少吃一對一的工作晚餐，特別是在雙方不熟的情況下。一方面，他們習慣于把工作和個人生活分開，下班后是自己的時間，如果白天可以解決的事情，絕不愿意留到晚餐。另一方面，美國人家庭觀念重，結婚的人下班回家陪家里人是頭等要事，不是非去不可的社交活動可以理直氣壯地說不，沒有人會見怪。如果你結了婚有了孩子卻常參加晚上的集體活動反而會有點怪。至少我是這么認為的。
籠統來說，工作晚餐多少帶點社交意味，所以通常是集體活動，可以是兩個公司為慶祝簽訂合同，也可以是歡送一位同事離開公司。而且晚餐還分坐下來的正式晚餐、自助餐和其他更簡單的形式。如果要求正式著裝，一定要遵守，不然是對主辦人的不尊重。
我認為，其實中美商界對商務餐態度最重要的差別在于：在美國，商務餐是正式見面的延續，可能會對增進了解和信任起一定作用，但絕不是必須的。而中國人更看重在辦公室以外見面，因為這樣可以對一個陌生人有更多的認識。吃飯是個互相琢磨的過程，也是互相表達誠意的一種形式，所以在哪家餐館吃，花多少錢都會被放到放大鏡下觀察。
